How to Avoid Arguments, Deal with Disputes and Stop Fighting
Introduction
On 23 June 2016, the referendum on Britain’s membership of the EU resulted in a 52:48 split in favour of leaving. The campaign was hostile, the nation was divided, and the main political parties soon descended into infighting and division. This is one example of what we see across the globe. Every news update seems to include stories of arguments, disputes and fighting.
When sin entered the world, arguments, disputes and fighting began. Adam blamed Eve. Cain murdered his brother. The history of the world ever since has been one of conflict of all kinds.
When people turn away from God, they start fighting one another. We see the breakdown of relationships wherever we look: broken marriages, broken homes, broken relationships at work, civil wars and wars between nations. Sadly, the church is not immune. Right from the start there have been arguments, disputes and in-fighting.
How should we handle conflict?
Proverbs 18:17–19:2
17 In a lawsuit the first to speak seems right,
until someone comes forward and cross-examines.
18 Casting the lot settles disputes
and keeps strong opponents apart.
19 A brother wronged is more unyielding than a fortified city;
disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel.
20 From the fruit of their mouth a person’s stomach is filled;
with the harvest of their lips they are satisfied.
21 The tongue has the power of life and death,
and those who love it will eat its fruit.
22 He who finds a wife finds what is good
and receives favor from the LORD.
23 The poor plead for mercy,
but the rich answer harshly.
24 One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin,
but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
19 Better the poor whose walk is blameless
than a fool whose lips are perverse.
2 Desire without knowledge is not good—
how much more will hasty feet miss the way!
Commentary
Avoid arguments
Proverbs is full of practical advice on how to avoid arguments.
1. Listen to both sides
There are usually two sides to an argument, and it is always worth hearing both parties. The right of cross-examination is an important one, with a vital place in any legal system. ‘The first speech in a court case is always convincing – until the cross-examination starts!’ (18:17, MSG).
2. Ask for the help of the Holy Spirit
We need God’s guidance especially when facing ‘tough decisions’ (v.18, MSG). In the Old Testament, ‘casting the lot’ was a way of settling disputes. However, with the outpouring of the Holy Spirit there are better ways of receiving God’s guidance over disputes (see 1 Corinthians 6:1–6).
3. Avoid unnecessary offence
Do everything you possibly can to avoid offending people: someone close to you who’s been offended can be ‘… more unyielding than a fortified city’ (Proverbs 18:19). Serious disputes create barriers among friends. These walls are easy to erect and extremely hard to pull down.
4. Choose your words carefully
Your words can be a life-giving force, bring great satisfaction and heal division: ‘Words satisfy the mind as much as fruit does the stomach; good talk is as gratifying as a good harvest’ (v.20, MSG).
Yet words can also be a destructive force: ‘Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit – you choose’ (v.21, MSG). You can do great good or great damage by what you say.
5. Choose your companions carefully
The writer says, ‘Find a good spouse, you find a good life – and even more: the favour of God!’ (v.22, MSG). It is certainly true in my experience that Pippa’s wisdom, advice and involvement have often helped me to avoid getting into trouble in this area. A good husband or wife will be a peacemaker.
Whether we are married or not, what we need are really close friends. The second part of this proverb reminds us that while friends come and go, ‘There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother or sister’ (v.24b). These are the sorts of friends we need in our lives. If you have friends like that, never stop thanking God for them.
Ultimately, of course, Jesus is the friend who sticks closer than a brother or sister.
Prayer
Lord, may the words I speak be a source of life to those around me.
Romans 14:1–18
The Weak and the Strong
14 Accept the one whose faith is weak, without quarreling over disputable matters. 2 One person’s faith allows them to eat anything, but another, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables. 3 The one who eats everything must not treat with contempt the one who does not, and the one who does not eat everything must not judge the one who does, for God has accepted them. 4 Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall. And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand.
5 One person considers one day more sacred than another; another considers every day alike. Each of them should be fully convinced in their own mind. 6 Whoever regards one day as special does so to the Lord. Whoever eats meat does so to the Lord, for they give thanks to God; and whoever abstains does so to the Lord and gives thanks to God. 7 For none of us lives for ourselves alone, and none of us dies for ourselves alone. 8 If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord. 9 For this very reason, Christ died and returned to life so that he might be the Lord of both the dead and the living.
10 You, then, why do you judge your brother or sister? Or why do you treat them with contempt? For we will all stand before God’s judgment seat. 11 It is written:
“‘As surely as I live,’ says the Lord,
‘every knee will bow before me;
every tongue will acknowledge God.’”
12 So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God.
13 Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister. 14 I am convinced, being fully persuaded in the Lord Jesus, that nothing is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something as unclean, then for that person it is unclean. 15 If your brother or sister is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your eating destroy someone for whom Christ died. 16 Therefore do not let what you know is good be spoken of as evil. 17 For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit, 18 because anyone who serves Christ in this way is pleasing to God and receives human approval.
Commentary
Deal with disputes
This passage is so relevant to some of the disputes going on in the global church right now. If only the church in the last 2,000 years had followed Paul’s instructions. As John Stott writes, Paul’s purpose in these verses ‘was to enable conservative-minded Christians (mostly Jewish) and liberal-minded Christians (mainly Gentiles) to coexist amicably in the Christian fellowship.’
There are certain matters over which Paul was willing to fight to death – the truth of the gospel (that Christ died for us, vv.9,15). The life, death and resurrection of Jesus (v.9) and the Lordship of Christ (v.9) are examples of what is non-negotiable.
However, there are other things that are not nearly as important. They are ‘disputable matters’ (v.1). They are secondary areas. He gives various examples such as vegetarianism or thinking of one day as more sacred than another.
Today some Christians abstain from alcohol. Others do not. Some Christians are pacifists. Others are not. And there are many other issues where Christians are passionately divided about disputable matters. How do we deal with these disputes?
1. Welcome those with different views
He writes ‘accept’ (the word means ‘welcome’) those ‘whose faith is weak’ (v.1a). ‘Welcome with open arms fellow believers who don’t see things the way you do... Eventually, we’re all going to end up kneeling side by side in the place of judgment, facing God’ (vv.1,10, MSG).
2. Do not be quick to judge
‘Don’t jump all over them every time they do or say something you don’t agree with’ (v.1b, MSG).
He goes on, ‘Who are you to judge someone else’s servants?’ (v.4); ‘You, then, why do you judge your brother or sister?’ (v.10); ‘Then let us no more criticise and blame and pass judgment on one another’ (v.13, AMP). We must allow people to have different views from our own without judging them for it.
This is the heart of the matter. Four times in this passage Paul says we are not to judge one another.
3. Don’t look down on others
We ‘must not look down on’ (v.3a) those who have different views from our own. God has welcomed them (v.3b). So should we.
4. Do what you think is right
On all these secondary matters ‘everybody should be fully convinced in their own minds’ (v.5). ‘Each person is free to follow the convictions of conscience’ (v.5, MSG). ‘If you eat meat... thank God for prime rib; if you’re a vegetarian... thank God for broccoli’ (v.6, MSG). Just because we may agree to disagree on these matters does not make them irrelevant. We need to be careful to do what we think is right in every situation.
5. Assume the best about other people’s motives
‘Those who regard one day as special, do so to the Lord. Those who eat meat, eat to the Lord, for they give thanks to God; and those who abstain, do so to the Lord and give thanks to God’ (v.6).
Give others the benefit of the doubt and assume that they are seeking to do what is right in the eyes of the Lord (vv.7–8).
6. Be sensitive about other people’s consciences
Paul says, ‘Make up your mind not to put any stumbling-block or obstacle in another believer’s way’ (v.13). For example, if someone regards drinking alcohol as wrong, it would be insensitive to drink alcohol in front of them. We do not want to cause them distress (v.15).
7. Help and encourage one another
‘So let’s agree to use all our energy in getting along with each other. Help others with encouraging words; don’t drag them down by finding fault’ (v.19, MSG).
8. Always act in love
‘If your brother or sister is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love’ (v.15). ‘So be sensitive and courteous... Don’t eat or say or do things that might interfere with the free exchange of love’ (v.21, MSG).
Disputable matters are important, but not as important as what unites us all: ‘For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit’ (v.17). This is what really matters. Let us not get caught up in arguments about disputable matters, which divide the church and put off those outside the church.
Follow the words of the medieval writer Rupertus Meldenius: ‘On the essentials, unity; on the non-essentials, freedom; in everything, love.’
Prayer
Lord, I pray for a new unity in the church. Help us to focus today and each day on what the kingdom of God is really about: righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.
1 Chronicles 9:1b–10:14
9 All Israel was listed in the genealogies recorded in the book of the kings of Israel and Judah. They were taken captive to Babylon because of their unfaithfulness.
The People in Jerusalem
2 Now the first to resettle on their own property in their own towns were some Israelites, priests, Levites and temple servants.
3 Those from Judah, from Benjamin, and from Ephraim and Manasseh who lived in Jerusalem were:
4 Uthai son of Ammihud, the son of Omri, the son of Imri, the son of Bani, a descendant of Perez son of Judah.
5 Of the Shelanites:
Asaiah the firstborn and his sons.
6 Of the Zerahites:
Jeuel.
The people from Judah numbered 690.
7 Of the Benjamites:
Sallu son of Meshullam, the son of Hodaviah, the son of Hassenuah;
8 Ibneiah son of Jeroham; Elah son of Uzzi, the son of Mikri; and Meshullam son of Shephatiah, the son of Reuel, the son of Ibnijah.
9 The people from Benjamin, as listed in their genealogy, numbered 956. All these men were heads of their families.
10 Of the priests:
Jedaiah; Jehoiarib; Jakin;
11 Azariah son of Hilkiah, the son of Meshullam, the son of Zadok, the son of Meraioth, the son of Ahitub, the official in charge of the house of God;
12 Adaiah son of Jeroham, the son of Pashhur, the son of Malkijah; and Maasai son of Adiel, the son of Jahzerah, the son of Meshullam, the son of Meshillemith, the son of Immer.
13 The priests, who were heads of families, numbered 1,760. They were able men, responsible for ministering in the house of God.
14 Of the Levites:
Shemaiah son of Hasshub, the son of Azrikam, the son of Hashabiah, a Merarite; 15 Bakbakkar, Heresh, Galal and Mattaniah son of Mika, the son of Zikri, the son of Asaph; 16 Obadiah son of Shemaiah, the son of Galal, the son of Jeduthun; and Berekiah son of Asa, the son of Elkanah, who lived in the villages of the Netophathites.
17 The gatekeepers:
Shallum, Akkub, Talmon, Ahiman and their fellow Levites, Shallum their chief 18 being stationed at the King’s Gate on the east, up to the present time. These were the gatekeepers belonging to the camp of the Levites. 19 Shallum son of Kore, the son of Ebiasaph, the son of Korah, and his fellow gatekeepers from his family (the Korahites) were responsible for guarding the thresholds of the tent just as their ancestors had been responsible for guarding the entrance to the dwelling of the LORD. 20 In earlier times Phinehas son of Eleazar was the official in charge of the gatekeepers, and the LORD was with him. 21 Zechariah son of Meshelemiah was the gatekeeper at the entrance to the tent of meeting.
22 Altogether, those chosen to be gatekeepers at the thresholds numbered 212. They were registered by genealogy in their villages. The gatekeepers had been assigned to their positions of trust by David and Samuel the seer. 23 They and their descendants were in charge of guarding the gates of the house of the LORD—the house called the tent of meeting. 24 The gatekeepers were on the four sides: east, west, north and south. 25 Their fellow Levites in their villages had to come from time to time and share their duties for seven-day periods. 26 But the four principal gatekeepers, who were Levites, were entrusted with the responsibility for the rooms and treasuries in the house of God. 27 They would spend the night stationed around the house of God, because they had to guard it; and they had charge of the key for opening it each morning.
28 Some of them were in charge of the articles used in the temple service; they counted them when they were brought in and when they were taken out. 29 Others were assigned to take care of the furnishings and all the other articles of the sanctuary, as well as the special flour and wine, and the olive oil, incense and spices. 30 But some of the priests took care of mixing the spices. 31 A Levite named Mattithiah, the firstborn son of Shallum the Korahite, was entrusted with the responsibility for baking the offering bread. 32 Some of the Kohathites, their fellow Levites, were in charge of preparing for every Sabbath the bread set out on the table.
33 Those who were musicians, heads of Levite families, stayed in the rooms of the temple and were exempt from other duties because they were responsible for the work day and night.
34 All these were heads of Levite families, chiefs as listed in their genealogy, and they lived in Jerusalem.
The Genealogy of Saul
35 Jeiel the father of Gibeon lived in Gibeon.
His wife’s name was Maakah, 36 and his firstborn son was Abdon, followed by Zur, Kish, Baal, Ner, Nadab, 37 Gedor, Ahio, Zechariah and Mikloth. 38 Mikloth was the father of Shimeam. They too lived near their relatives in Jerusalem.
39 Ner was the father of Kish, Kish the father of Saul, and Saul the father of Jonathan, Malki-Shua, Abinadab and Esh-Baal.
40 The son of Jonathan:
Merib-Baal, who was the father of Micah.
41 The sons of Micah:
Pithon, Melek, Tahrea and Ahaz.
42 Ahaz was the father of Jadah, Jadah was the father of Alemeth, Azmaveth and Zimri, and Zimri was the father of Moza. 43 Moza was the father of Binea; Rephaiah was his son, Eleasah his son and Azel his son.
44 Azel had six sons, and these were their names:
Azrikam, Bokeru, Ishmael, Sheariah, Obadiah and Hanan. These were the sons of Azel.
Saul Takes His Life
10 Now the Philistines fought against Israel; the Israelites fled before them, and many fell dead on Mount Gilboa. 2 The Philistines were in hot pursuit of Saul and his sons, and they killed his sons Jonathan, Abinadab and Malki-Shua. 3 The fighting grew fierce around Saul, and when the archers overtook him, they wounded him.
4 Saul said to his armour-bearer, “Draw your sword and run me through, or these uncircumcised fellows will come and abuse me.”
But his armour-bearer was terrified and would not do it; so Saul took his own sword and fell on it. 5 When the armour-bearer saw that Saul was dead, he too fell on his sword and died. 6 So Saul and his three sons died, and all his house died together.
7 When all the Israelites in the valley saw that the army had fled and that Saul and his sons had died, they abandoned their towns and fled. And the Philistines came and occupied them.
8 The next day, when the Philistines came to strip the dead, they found Saul and his sons fallen on Mount Gilboa. 9 They stripped him and took his head and his armour, and sent messengers throughout the land of the Philistines to proclaim the news among their idols and their people. 10 They put his armour in the temple of their gods and hung up his head in the temple of Dagon.
11 When all the inhabitants of Jabesh Gilead heard what the Philistines had done to Saul, 12 all their valiant men went and took the bodies of Saul and his sons and brought them to Jabesh. Then they buried their bones under the great tree in Jabesh, and they fasted seven days.
13 Saul died because he was unfaithful to the LORD; he did not keep the word of the Lord and even consulted a medium for guidance, 14 and did not inquire of the LORD. So the LORD put him to death and turned the kingdom over to David son of Jesse.
Commentary
Stop fighting
‘The Philistines fought against Israel… The fighting grew fierce around Saul’ (10:1,3). Saul was attacked by the Philistines and died as a result. We find this account in 1 Samuel 31. However, the writer of Chronicles adds an explanation: ‘Saul died in disobedience, disobedient to God. He didn’t obey God’s words’ (1 Chronicles 10:13, MSG).
As we look back at the book of Samuel we can see that the real problem was that Saul became jealous of David. David did everything he could to submit to Saul and to be on good terms with him. Saul would have none of it. He was out to get David. This internal dispute weakened Saul and made him vulnerable to an attack from outside.
We see today how internal disputes among the people of God make us vulnerable to attacks from outside. Jesus prayed that we would be one in order that the world would believe (John 17:23).
Prayer
Lord, help us to be peacemakers, to stop the infighting and seek unity in order that the world will believe.
Pippa adds
Proverbs 18:22 says:
‘He who finds a wife finds what is good.’
What more is there to say about that?
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References
John Stott, The Message of Romans (IVP Academic, 2001) p.357.
The Bible with Nicky and Pippa Gumbel (commentary formerly known as Bible in One Year) ©Alpha International 2009. All Rights Reserved.
Compilation of daily Bible readings © Hodder & Stoughton Limited 1988. Published by Hodder & Stoughton Limited as the Bible in One Year.
Unless otherwise stated, Scripture quotations taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version Anglicised, Copyright © 1979, 1984, 2011 Biblica, formerly International Bible Society. Used by permission of Hodder & Stoughton Publishers, an Hachette UK company. All rights reserved. ‘NIV’ is a registered trademark of Biblica. UK trademark number 1448790.
Scripture quotations marked (AMP) taken from the Amplified® Bible, Copyright © 1954, 1958, 1962, 1964, 1965, 1987 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org)
Scripture quotations marked MSG are taken from The Message, copyright © 1993, 2002, 2018 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress. All rights reserved. Represented by Tyndale House Publishers.